Dracula plays CS:GO
by LorddHumungous
Summary: Dracula plays counter strike


One evening, Dracula was sitting in his manor pondering the deepest moral questions plagued by man. If you usually use slang, should you stop doing so when hanging out with black people so it doesn't look like you're trying to talk like them? How long after sex is it morally okay to jack off to the memory of having sex earlier? The answers evaded Dracula, and he was sweating as he rubbed the sides of his head because he was thinking so hard. Questions like these were the reason Dracula never hung out with black people, and was still a virgin at the age of 561.

Dracula decided that he'd never find an answer to those questions, and needed to go relax before he had a heart attack. He figured that video games were a good way to unwind, and so he stood up from his chair, and left his study towards the room which housed his computer. He walked down the seemingly endless stone corridors of his castle, lighting the way by lantern, until he entered his bedroom. He lit the torches around his desk, and sat down at the computer. He turned it on, and booted up CS:GO.

Dracula had honestly only ever played casual before now, but would often get overwhelmed by how many people he had to fight, so he decided to get rid of that anxiety by playing competitive.

Once he was put into a game, he got that old mic of his over and started talking.

"Good evening fellow counter strike players." he said, sounding like the count from Sesame Street.

"Hey-" a small child with a shitty mic said, being cut off at the last second.

"Dude wassup." a guy in his early twenties responded.

"How are we all doing tonight?" Dracula asked.

"Mic check." a mexican guy said, and from the sound of his voice you could tell he was fat as fuck.

"Yes, yes. You are, sounding fine thank you." Dracula said. Just then he got headshotted. Only then did he notice that he was in CT spawn on Dust 2.

"What ehh, is it on?" Dracula asked.

"Nah, we still got a minute." the guy in his 20s said. Dracula decided that he still wanted to get kills in the warm up, so he bought the deagle. He kept running through long doors and getting shot, and actually re-bought the deagle so many times he ran out of money before the warm up ended. When he respawned and the countdown started for round one, he bought the deagle again.

"Um, it isn't warm up anymore, it's starting." The kid said. Dracula knew this, but he thought the kid was the one being an idiot for not cashing out on the pistol round. The round began, and Dracula immediately ran down long again. He then ran through the doors, and saw that the terrorists had already left spawn.

"Guys it's B." The guy said, having been killed while defending the point. The rest of the team rotated over to B to help.

"You have to sneak you see…" Dracula said while the rest of his team were actually fighting the terrorists and he was just crouch-walking across their spawn. The terrorists planted the bomb. By the time dracula got into the tunnels, there was one terrorist left, and only him and the fat mexican guy left on CT. Dracula witnessed the mexican jump onto site from the window, and get sprayed to shit by the Terrorist, who had his glock on burst.

Dracula peeked through the doors, and got shot at. He then stood up, and ran at the terrorist, wildly shooting the deagle. He was immediately killed. The terrorists won the round, and several people in the chat said "wtf".

"Yellow, don't spray wit de deagle mang." the mexican said. Dracula didn't know they were color coded so he thought the mexican was talking to someone else. On round 2, dracula ran down mid with the deagle and got shot with a scout. The team lost the round.

"De uh, de count twenny fou, dont be doin that shit mang." the mexican said.

"Well ehh, I play how I please gentleman." Dracula said. On round three Dracula followed the mexican guy to cat and waited there.

"You have to fight the men, not wait like ehh, one duck." Dracula said, laughing like the count on sesame street. Dracula rushed cat and was one tapped by an AK. The team lost the round again.

"Aight im sick of dis mang, fuck dis boolshit mang. Less kick 'im!" the mexican said.

"No." Dracula said.

"Look count, you get one more round for us to see if you know what the fuck you're doing." the guy said. No more fun and games. Dracula started feeling the pressure again, like he was gonna explode. He started sweating incredibly hard, and biting his nails.

Dracula bought an awp, because he knew he had to be a true beast to keep from getting kicked. He walked over to A, and camped at the car. He watched cat, and before he knew it, the kid and the mexican were dead.

"ITS B!" the kid said loudly, like it was kinda socially unacceptable how loud he was. Dracula didn't even attempt to rotate before the last guy was shot. The two terrorists left on B planted.

"Iss clutch or kick mang." The mexican said.

"I don't like your attitude." Dracula said.

"I donlike your boolshit mang, tryna show me how to fuckin rush cat."

"You sound mad." Dracula said.

"And you sound fuckin old. Like, old old you fuckin cock sucker." the mexican said. Dracula finally decided to go through mid. His heart was racing, his asshole and pee hole were clenched. He was just using his pointer finger to walk forward, as his hands trembled so much. He held the mouse so tightly he accidentally zoomed in while walking. His eyes were red and veiny, his neck stretched out so his face was close as fuck to the screen. Then a terrorist popped out and shot him.

Draculas asshole and pee hole pushed as he screamed german into the mic. When he was done yelling, he found that he shit and pissed himself and let out a long, throaty "FUCK!". He noticed the vote on screen to kick him, and started yelling "NO! NO! NO!"

"Bye me senior!" the mexican said before dracula was kicked from the game. Dracula, the oldest, wisest creature on earth, sat there with shit and piss all over his cloak, looking at the CS:GO menu.


End file.
